I should like to tell a story about jewels bright and rare
Who have favoured our household with their talents and their flair.
Listen therefore very briefly while I try to do my best
To inform you what has happened in our curious treasure chest.
Frida told me overjoyed:
"A new pearl I have employed.
She's a jewel, she's a treasure
Having her will be a pleasure;
She's efficient she is clever,
Oh I hope she'll stay forever.
She can clean and she can cook,
Come along and take a look."
But we searched for her in vain
Our gem is gone, that's plain.
Next we got a perfect angel with blue eyes and guileless face
She was tidy and industrious, everything was in its place.
In addition to her work load she expressed a frequent fear
Lest her mistress' brand new mink coat might take off and disappear.
Every time she got a chance
Dire warnings she'd advance:
"Please be careful, do beware,
Thieves are lurking everywhere.
Your coat's just what they would crave
Keep it home where it is safe."
Full of trust we chose to go
Out for dinner and a show,
But back home, I am afraid,
Found no mink coat and no maid.
And the next one, oh the next one she was tidy like a pin
But she drank up all our whiskey plus our cognac and our gin.
Then we got a perfect jewel to relieve us from our plight
Cooking was her special talent, every meal was a delight.
Frida said to her, "tonight
Friends are coming for a bite."
She replied, "that is good
I'll take care of all the food:
Sandwiches, and some cake
For your friends I'll gladly make."
The time flees, it is late
While the meal we still await;
It was just as we had feared
Our gem had disappeared.
Under all the circumstances we were lucky, you'll admit
That we found another jewel to replace the one who quit.
Hardly had she crossed our threshold she to Frida did explain
All the things she found distasteful and from which she would abstain.
"Cooking, cleaning, washing too
Are all things I will not do;
Afternoons I need to rest
To restore my flagging zest."
Frida asked, most impressed:
"What's the work that you like best?"
She yelled back, right on cue:
"I believe you are a Jew!
You want work, what a cheek,
I won't stay with such a freak."
Among all the gorgeous maidens we selected a new star
But we soon were to discover she had friends both near and far;
They frequented our kitchen where she fed them the best food,
We could eat what was left over, that was clearly understood.
When her friends were not around
On the phone she could be found.
If we called, she would groan:
"Can't you see I'm on the phone?"
Frida said, "this won't work,
All your duties you do shirk."
Thereupon she starts to yell:
"I don't care, you go to hell!
I won't stay another day."
Packed her bags and stormed away.
Then there was the day when Frida in our living room did peep
And shrieked: "There's some sort of stranger on the sofa fast asleep!"
But the maid was disconcerted by her mistress' cries of fear,
"That's my boyfriend," she reported, "he is not a stranger here."
Next a student we did find
All intent to hone her mind.
She was out, day and night,
In pursuit of knowledge bright
Leaving us to reflect
On her fertile intellect.
We tried hard to surmise
What her studies might comprise,
Till it all became quite plain,
Birth control was her domain.
I could go on with my story but it's time to put an end
To this gloomy inventory of the gems that came and went.
Every time we get a doozer and we think the battle's won
She turns out to be a loser and we're right back to square one.
So pray tell me, friends so kind
Where a jewel I can find.
Fat or thin, deaf or lame,
White or black, it's all the same.
All I want is a pearl
Who our home will give a whirl.
But I see there is no hope
With this crisis I can't cope,
From the pearls I'll take my cue
And to you I'll bid adieu.
